Autumn Term... take 2!

Half term was last week, I can't believe how quickly those 7 weeks went or how quickly those 7 days off went! A 3 day trip away to Amsterdam with the boy combined with moving house (from where I now have a 90 mile round trip commute each day!) made for a very busy and not so relaxing half term. At the same time it was still a break from school and teaching, which was nice. Though I have to admit, sitting there taking the register this morning and seeing some of the cheeky grins of some of the monkeys in my class made it nice to be back.

It's been a crazy half term, such an intense learning curve. The thing that I've realised, more than anything else, is that I can do this. It's not been an easy half term but I've not given up and I'm getting better at things, quicker and far more confident. I'm not saying I don't ever have doubts anymore but those feelings of complete inadequacy and overwhelmingness have started to ebb away.

First day back today and I spent the afternoon out of class on a Maths for NQTs training session. In all honesty, I didn't have very high expectations. I thought it would end up covering a bit of subject knowledge and things like that and as someone who is pretty good and confident with maths, I wasn't sure what I was going to get from it but I went along with an open mind. I was pleasantly surprised and actually found it quite useful. Some of the things that we talked about, like how the Primary Framework works wasn't overly useful as it's something I'm quite familiar with. I came away feeling reassured about some of the things that I do, with some ideas for some things I could do and the realisation that there are some things that I need to improve on.

So, what am I doing well?

• Using physical aids and resources in my lessons
• Giving children the opportunity to ask questions
• Giving children the opportunity to and encouraging them to use mathematical language
• Differentiation

What do I need to do better and how will I do it?

• Take charge of my TA! I dont' share my plans with her, I don't really get feedback from her either and I don't use her effectively in my lessons. I don't feel like I really get the opportunity to though to be honest. There are times when she's been sat doing something on the computer all through my teaching input and then come and asked me what we're doing just as we split into groups. So, what am I going to do about it?
• Give her my weekly plan at the start of the week
• Put on that plan what I want her to do
• Ask her to work with an individual group during the oral and mental starter who may have struggled with something the day before
• Ask her to make a few notes on the plan or something and give these to me as well as some verbal feedback at the end of each lesson or whenever is next possible

I don't really like taking charge like that, especially when she's such an experienced TA but I think that I need to. After all it's my class and at the end of the day, I'm the one who is ultimately responsible for them, their learning and their progression. I should have done this quite a while ago really.

• Plenaries... I've never really been overly sure on what makes a good plenary, combine that with generally running out of time and I often don't do them but I should. So what will I do?
• Make sure that I leave time at the end of each lesson for even a short 5 minute plenary, even if it means cutting activities short before they're finished
• I'm going to ask to buy a giant foam dice with plastic pockets. In each pocket will be a question that we'll answer for the plenary, such as 'What have I learned today?' or 'How do I need to improve?'
• I'm going to work on having challenging plenaries too that build on the lesson. This will be a more difficult one though I think, it's difficult to pitch it right when it's the whole class

So they're my two current targets/focuses for myself at the moment. I'll update you on how I do with them. Parents evening tomorrow, better go get things sorted. Eek!

Three weeks down

Three weeks have gone already, how's that happened?! Can't believe how quickly it's gone, scary really.

Pretty settled in now, know my routine, know where things are, the kids names and personalities, who to go to for what but I don't really feel like I've been that good a teacher at the moment. So many of my lessons have been absolutely god awful. If I'd been observed by my mentor or worse, Ofsted, I know I wouldn't have even scraped a satisfactory. It's just so difficult. I don't really know the kids that well in terms of what they do or don't know or what they can or can't do and that affects my lessons massively. There've been times I've assumed they'd know certain things and they haven't, like an RE lesson looking at the symbols for the 6 main religions... they didn't even know what Christianity was let alone any of the others! Other times I've gone in and made work too easy or too difficult, particularly with Maths. Need to work out how to really challenge my highers, in Maths especially, there are a few that are beyond higher ability, they're classed as Gifted & Talented.

Things not going so well, or at least not as well as the levels of standards that I set for myself, really knocked my confidence. There were a number of days when I wondered whether this is really what I'm meant to do, if I'm cut out for it. I'm not perfect and I know that but the thing is, I'm working on it. I'm talking to my mentor about how to challenge my higher ability children. I've met with the SEN lady about how to differentiate for my SEN child who can't do anything without support and even then struggles with most things. I'm looking at bad lessons and deciding why they didn't go well and how I can improve. Really, that's what it's about. It's about seeing where my weaknesses are and working on whatever I need to to be able to improve. So maybe I'm not where I want to be right now but I'm doing my damnedest to get there and I know that I will. I just need to remember that I'm an NQT, this is my first class, I shouldn't be so hard on myself!

It's not all been bad though, I'm good at some things! I've got to submit levels for the children by the end of the month so we did an independent writing task on Friday and I spent lunchtime and the start of the afternoon leveling them all. Sat with my mentor to look at the levels expecting her to change most of them but actually she gave them all the same level except for one which she gave a sub-level higher, which I'd debated about but erred on the side of caution. This really helped with my confidence as she said how well I'd done and that I have absolutely nothing to worry about when it comes to moderation. Made me think that maybe I can do this teaching malarky, I'm getting there!

The Verdict

Well I made it through my first full week (including a class trip) alive, I call that a success! I have had my first massive mystery bruise though, about 3 inches across and absolutely no recollection of doing anything to cause it. Probably walked into the annoying knee height tables that you get in KS1, seem to do that constantly! I've had enough time to settle into the school and class now and form opinions about it all, so here's the verdict.

My class are, on the whole, a really lovely class. They're a chatty bunch but other than that, they're actually really well behaved. Though I did have a mystery person put hand soap in two water bottles this week, the whole class had to have a bit of a telling off for that. The one thing that absolutely drives me mad about them is their lack of ability to be quiet. I'll do my clapping, they'll stop, repeat and be quiet for a few seconds but then they'll start to do things and talk before I'm finished talking. I'm having to come down quiet hard on them, I've been clapping again and telling them that it's disrespectful (one of the rules they wanted is to respect everyone) to talk over me and not listen (another one of their rules!) and just refusing to talk over them. If there have been any particularly bad offenders then they've had to miss some of their play time. I'm also making them redo things if they don't do them right the first time, like moving to line up, sit on the carpet/at tables etc. I think they're starting to get a bit better, we'll get there!

What have I learnt this past week and a bit?
* Whilst a zone board might be a great idea, it just doesn't work in practice. It's too much faffing and hassle so I've not been using it, just my sticker chart. I may take it down and put up a traffic light instead as I think it's still a good thing for my warning system - one warning before the school policy of time out. No names this time, just laminate it and use a board pen to write the name on.
* I've also learnt that it's bloody hard work! Especially at the start of the year but that if you keep on, it does get better.
* Another thing that I've learnt is that although I totally dismissed the idea of carpet or seating charts, I think they might well be needed!
* Always have a back up plan in case something can't happen for one reason or another
* Make sure you know when assemblies are so that the head doesn't have to come and get you!
* Don't let one child use an electric pencil sharpener, suddenly they all want a go!
* Stop stressing so much, in wise words of Sonny Kapoor (Dev Patel) in The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel - Everything will be alright in the end, if it is not alright it is not the end.

The staff at the school are genuinely probably the nicest lot I've ever worked with. Everyone is so helpful, they constantly tell me that if I need help with anything just to ask, they ask how I am, how I'm getting on etc. The head teacher is great, there are times when I'll ask a question and she'll send me to my induction mentor as it's up to her to deal with those things, which is completely understandable and I'd expect it really (still getting used to who I go to for what!) but she always shows an interest in me and how I'm getting on. My induction mentor is well, amazing really. I've had so many questions this past week I'm amazed that she's not got sick of me! Yet she always finds the time to help and answer questions and always tells me to come and ask if ever I need anything. They've also booked me onto a number of training courses which is great. It all makes me really not want to leave at Christmas, let's hope they don't manage to recruit someone to be the KS1 leader!

I'm starting to get used to the school and the way things work now. Guided Reading still is a bit of a hazy area for me though, first session next week so hopefully it'll just take a few goes to get into it all. My mind is still bordering on that fence about whether I think I can do this or not. There's been so many times this week where I know I haven't been great, where the children haven't learned what I wanted, where I've pitched too high or too low. Though there's been other times when things have gone really well, it's certainly not all bad. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, maybe that's all part of settling in and getting used to the children and that things will soon get better with those things. I'm hoping so anyway!

First day and the dreaded O word!

I survived! My first day of having the kids back is over and actually went surprisingly well. My dreams weren't premonitions and were just dreams after all. The children didn't run riot, the TA didn't completely change my activities, I didn't royally cock it up! I actually had an amazing first day and though I'm utterly exhausted, I definitely feel like I've made the right choice in life. All those doubts about whether I could possibly do it have melted away and I know I'm doing what is right for me and what I love.

My class are absolutely lovely, I'm already their 'very best ever and loveliest teacher ever ever' already for some of them apparently! There are a few characters in the class that I've got to spot. Like the one girl who just won't be quiet, she always has something to say! Lovely girl but constantly calls out and interrupts. We had to vote on School Council members today and bless them they were so sweet. It was the first time they've had to do it so they had to nominate themselves, give a little speech and then we voted. Each of the children cam up and told me their vote and towards the end of the class was one little girl who was one of the 'candidates' and she asked whether she could vote for herself. I have to say it made me chuckle and as she was the first person to ask I thought that I'd say yes. She missed out by one vote in the end but I made her the Eco Warrior for our Eco Committee instead so she was happy enough.

I had to learn some tough lessons today though too. I'm the kind of person that likes to please people and keep the peace. I hate talking about things face to face with people, feel so uncomfortable about it! I'd planned out my whole timetable including what I wanted the teacher covering my PPA and NQT times to do - Guided Reading, PE and Science. I thought this would be ok but it turned out that she doesn't have a TA for any of those afternoons so wanted me to change it all. I have swapped Guided Reading round because that does need a TA really to get through it all and I thought I should do it anyway really, so I've given her Music and PSHE, still a big sacrifice for me to give up Music but it's the only way I could do it. So then I was trying to find some kind of solution for Science but I just can't. There were three possible options but one I wasn't prepared to do because it was a subject I specialised in at uni and enjoy (though it's her specialism too) and have also already planned until Christmas and the other two just weren't feasible, though she thought they might be. I spoke to my mentor about it all because I didn't know whether I was being harsh telling her she needed to do Science but she reassured me that it's my classroom so it's my decision and that it was a perfectly acceptable decision to make. So I've got to tell her tomorrow that she's just going to have to do Science by herself. I don't think she'll be happy but I haven't really got much choice! It's so difficult being the person 'in charge' so to speak, I don't like it! I just need to remember that it's my class though and so I shouldn't/can't be a push over!

So, the dreaded O word... Ofsted! The school got a 'good' in it's last Ofsted inspection in 2011 which means that it shouldn't get another inspection for 3 years but... there's always a but! Despite numerous interventions, extra booster groups and all the support in the world our Year 6 class didn't get the results hoped for last year and we've missed our targets by a fair chunk. Our head told us this afternoon in our staff meeting that this means that it could trigger another inspection by Ofsted. I thought I was safe this year, just the mention of the O word has put the fear of god in me! Seriously hope that it doesn't trigger one, not sure I'd cope!

Off to bed now, absolutely exhausted... I'm just not used to seeing 6.30 in the morning anymore!

Breathe... breathe...

Back to school tomorrow (though kids are back Weds) and the panic is well and truly starting to set in. Despite having promised myself yesterday that today would be a completely school work free day, that's not quite happened. I've not really done anything but I did decide to have a little look over the two IEPs (Individual Education Plans for the non-teachers amongst you) for the two SEN (Special Educational Needs) children I have in my class.

I know there are some non-teacher types reading this blog so I'll explain what an IEP is, briefly. Basically, if there is an SEN child who isn't at the same level of ability as his or her peers, you put together an IEP for them. The IEP gives child specific targets like the write numerals 0-10, to sound out all three phonemes in CVC words etc. It also says how we'll go about helping him/her meet them and how we'll know he/she's met them.

For some reason looking at these two IEP set me off into complete and utter blind panic. I started to completely doubt my ability to, well, just about anything! Keep wondering if I can really provide for these SEN children. Doubting my ability to use their IEPs effectively and also to review them and write new ones in November. This led on to full scale freak out! Don't think my nightly dreams about things going wrong at school are helping much! Everything seems so real now and keep wondering if I'm really cut out for it. I don't want to let the school down and most of all I don't want to let the school down. Don't really want to let myself down either! Someone tell me feeling like this is normal?!

The worried mind of an NQT

This past year during my PGCE has been full of highs and lows. I've loved it, I've hated it. I've been outstanding, I've been unsatisfactory (only once thank goodness!). I've laughed, I've cried, I've wanted to give up and I've found the motivation to keep going. I've worked with fantastic teachers, I've worked with some not so fantastic teachers. I've learned a bit more about me, about my style, my way of teaching. I've become more confident in myself and my ability. I've learned what APP, AFL, AfL, CPD, PDP, CEP and what feels like a million other acronyms!

I can't believe that this time last year I was preparing myself to begin my PGCE, full of many of the same nerves and excitement that I have today. The year has flown by in a flash, I feel like I blinked and it was gone. There are some amazing memories that I've got from the past year, some children (and teachers) who I'll never forget and some moments that will be ingrained on my memory for ever but most of it? I can't really remember, it went too quickly, it's all a bit of a blur.

There have been some uni sessions where I've learned so much and others where, well, I might as well have stayed in bed. At least I understand the jargon that comes with teaching now though! It must have all done something though because I feel far more prepared to teach than I did this time last year... but am I REALLY ready?

That's what I keep asking myself at the moment. Not just daily, hourly! A PGCE is one thing, but my NQT year? That's something else! That's my very own class. My very own class to screw up. It's me being accountable to myself, not another class teacher, I am the class teacher. There are some things that absolutely terrify me if I'm honest. The responsibility of having my own class is something that's weighing heavily on my shoulders, I feel like there's so much to mess up, so much to get wrong. All that planning to do, no-one to say plan this. The daily APP for 30 children rather than the occasional APP for 6. The pressure to get it 'right', to please people, to fit in and most of all - to pass my induction year. All the preparing in the world won't help if I'm just not cut out for it. I think I am, I hope to god I am, I just still worry if I really am!

On the other hand, there are some things that I'm really looking forward to this year. I'm looking forward to finally having my own class and my own classroom, being able to do things my way rather than trying to fit the mould of the other teacher. It's my classroom, my displays, my behaviour system, my table lay out. Finally, I'm a real life teacher, not a pretend one in someone else's room with their class! It's going to be amazing to get to really know the children and see them develop over time in a way that you just don't get to during placements. What am I looking forward to most of all? Christmas! Finally, my first Christmas in a school. I'll admit, I get far more excited about Christmas than most, I've already got Christmas activities planned out in my head and even Christmas RE things planned on paper!

I'm stepping out of a rollercoaster year into what is bound to be a year with even more highs and lows, I might struggle but I'm sure as hell going to give it my best shot.